Friday, November 27, 2009

Be Somebody.

Things always work out for me. They always have. I don't know how or why but it always happens. Just when I think I have finally gotten myself into something I can't get out of on my own, something comes along and makes everything work out. But it's just not happening this time. This is the longest stretch of bad luck I have ever had. I wish I could say it was all my fault and I got myself into this but through no fault of my own I seem to keep failing. That doesn't even make sense. It has to be my fault. I have never been so sad and depressed and lonely and hopeless. I just want to go home. I don't want to live on an island in the middle of nowhere far away from my friends and family anymore. I have had enough of this. I don't want to hear any "It's that time of year" shit from anyone either. It doesn't even feel like the holidays here. It's the middle of summer as far as I am concerned. I have been sweating for years. I wish I could wear jeans without my knees sweating every once in a while. I want to drive for miles and miles and miles, I wanna go faster than 35 miles an hour. I would like to listen to country music on the radio. I would like to walk down the street in the middle of the day without being hissed at and followed and heckled. There are so many reasons that other people give for living here and I have tons myself but I feel like if you get to the point where you have more negatives than positives, it's time to move on. Like Gladys at Glady's Cafe here on island says, "When one is physically tired one must sleep, when one is emotionally tired one must wake up and move on."

I will try. Try. Try. I will try to find a job for the rest of the season. I would like to save some money and go back to the states in the spring. I am brainstorming right now in between naps and playing guitar. Being stuck on the North Side had sent my world into a frenzy. It made working at Limnos hard. It makes getting a new job hard. I have an interview on Monday with the owner of a charter company. My friend Jen told him I would be taking her place for a two week charter in December and he wants to meet me first, which is understandable. I feel like I am setting myself up for another disappointment though. I am losing trust in what people say.

Lilly gets home tonight. We will see how that changes things. She doesn't want to come home to a negative nancy. She doesn't understand that while she has been at home with her friends, OUR friends, and her family having the time of her life, I have been here, alone, struggling for work and struggling with the drama that has been going on here. Forgive me for being depressed. People don't understand what it's like.

I don't know what I would do if I went to the states. Working on boats is all I know how to do. That and bartend. I would love to be involved in the music industry in Texas somehow. Like event planning or managing. Maybe working for a Texas music label. I just need a way to get my foot in the door in that industry. I have my whole body in the door of the boating industry and it's obviously not where I am supposed to be right now. Like I said, time for a change.