Be Somebody.

Things always work out for me. They always have. I don't know how or why but it always happens. Just when I think I have finally gotten myself into something I can't get out of on my own, something comes along and makes everything work out. But it's just not happening this time. This is the longest stretch of bad luck I have ever had. I wish I could say it was all my fault and I got myself into this but through no fault of my own I seem to keep failing. That doesn't even make sense. It has to be my fault. I have never been so sad and depressed and lonely and hopeless. I just want to go home. I don't want to live on an island in the middle of nowhere far away from my friends and family anymore. I have had enough of this. I don't want to hear any "It's that time of year" shit from anyone either. It doesn't even feel like the holidays here. It's the middle of summer as far as I am concerned. I have been sweating for years. I wish I could wear jeans without my knees sweating every once in a while. I want to drive for miles and miles and miles, I wanna go faster than 35 miles an hour. I would like to listen to country music on the radio. I would like to walk down the street in the middle of the day without being hissed at and followed and heckled. There are so many reasons that other people give for living here and I have tons myself but I feel like if you get to the point where you have more negatives than positives, it's time to move on. Like Gladys at Glady's Cafe here on island says, "When one is physically tired one must sleep, when one is emotionally tired one must wake up and move on."

I will try. Try. Try. I will try to find a job for the rest of the season. I would like to save some money and go back to the states in the spring. I am brainstorming right now in between naps and playing guitar. Being stuck on the North Side had sent my world into a frenzy. It made working at Limnos hard. It makes getting a new job hard. I have an interview on Monday with the owner of a charter company. My friend Jen told him I would be taking her place for a two week charter in December and he wants to meet me first, which is understandable. I feel like I am setting myself up for another disappointment though. I am losing trust in what people say.

Lilly gets home tonight. We will see how that changes things. She doesn't want to come home to a negative nancy. She doesn't understand that while she has been at home with her friends, OUR friends, and her family having the time of her life, I have been here, alone, struggling for work and struggling with the drama that has been going on here. Forgive me for being depressed. People don't understand what it's like.

I don't know what I would do if I went to the states. Working on boats is all I know how to do. That and bartend. I would love to be involved in the music industry in Texas somehow. Like event planning or managing. Maybe working for a Texas music label. I just need a way to get my foot in the door in that industry. I have my whole body in the door of the boating industry and it's obviously not where I am supposed to be right now. Like I said, time for a change.

Holy crap.

What a day. Yesterday started out like any other... Me, hammock, MacBook, lovely view. Then I get a phone call from a local crew agent. She tells me to pack my bags I am on a charter for a week. Long story short, she sent me down there to the boat all ready to go and the boat had not agreed to hire me yet because they were either gonna hire me or a chef to help the current cook because the guest if very fancy and demanding. Needless to say they chose the chef and I am on my ass. I had to quit Limnos to take the job and now I am screwed. Well later in the day I got a call from my friend Jen who I worked with at the boat show this year and she tells me she has some work for me but not till the 11th of December. Damn. At least it's work. Now I have to find a way to make some cash till then!

Holy Ghost of Christmas Past!

I had one of these.... I know it. I ran across this on a random site. It stopped my heart! I loved this! Mom? Confirm? If I didn't have one of these then I have really lost my mind because I have memories of this for some reason!

Check this out!!! Caribbean Jerk!!!! lol

Check out Bent Objects blog!!!

Found a song about me! (if it was about a woman)

It's me to a T!



Better as a Memory - Kenny Chesney

I move on like a sinners prayer
I let 'em go like a levee breaks
walk away as if I don't care
learn to shoulder my mistakes
I'm built to fade like your favorite song
gettin' reckless when there's no need
laugh as your stories ramble on
break my heart but it won't bleed
my only friends are pirates, it's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man.

I'm never sure when the truth won't do
I'm pretty good on a lonely night
I move on the way a storm blows through
I never stay, but then again, I might
I struggle sometimes to find the words
always sure until I doubt
walk a line until it blurs
build walls too high to climb out
but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leanin', you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer, nothing more
you should know it before it gets too late

cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
you never know where they're gonna land
first you're spinning, then you're standing still
left holding a losin' hand
but one day you're gonna find someone
right away, you'll know it's true
that all of your seek is done
it was just a part of the passing through
right there in that moment
you'll finally understand
that I was better as a memory than as your man
better as a memory than as your man

The cutest damn thing I have ever seen!!!!!!

I am the QUEEN of f-ing up my own life.

Holy hell I am so over this place!!! The power went out last night, therefore messing up my alarm clock which in turn made me sleep till 9am, missing work by an epic 2 hours. I will be lucky if I even have a job. And I can't get ahold of anyone at work because they are all on the boat because I assume that Clement, Sara and Akim all worked today. I feel like such an asshole. Why can't anything on this island work properly??? Why can't I learn to set 3 alarm clocks? Whatever I'm over it.

New Goal!!!

Hooray! I finally have something to look forward to! My friend Amanda, that I have known since the 7th grade and I have decided to do what we promised each other we would do the summer after we graduated high school... Go on a road trip! We planned this out so long ago then she went into the Army and I went to Houston and on to Key West and the rest is history! She is back home in Allen, TX for the winter and spring semester going to grad school at UTD. She and her husband bought a house in our home town but he is in Iraq so she is there alone. We have decided on the third week of July, the 18th-31st. Two weeks. Our agenda is to do the Western USA, national parks, wine country, grand canyon, LA and Vegas... Wyoming, big sky in Montana. I am so excited! I have wanted to go on a big road trip FOREVER!!! I love to drive and I love the states, and I have been away for so long that I feel this is the perfect thing for me. It's given me something to strive for and work towards. We have set it in "stone" on our calendars. If you know anything about either of us you are already laughing and shaking your head, but hey, it's my dream and I will sleep if I want to. If we don't end up going then at least I will have saved up a bunch of money and will be that much better off. I think I want to take the summer off from working and set myself up for next winter somewhere new. It's become obvious to me that I will not be able to take my capt. class here with my work schedule. So I have looked into courses in Texas. There are classes in Houston and in Dallas and I am sure my Parents in Dallas or my aunt Nita in Houston would let me stay with them for a week while I took the class. These are all summer plans.

I have really been missing my family and my home in Texas. It is beautiful here and the water is great but I miss driving to visit people and normal everyday life on land. I'm on land technically but it's different when you live on island. Also, having Lilly out of town this month has really made me realize how alone I am here. All my old friends have paired off and act like old married couples. No one ever calls to hang out or wants to play with me. I am stranded on the north side of the mountain now which is the best thing that has ever happened to me on this rock. I go to work (13 bucks one way in a taxi) I work my ass off for 14 hours and then I come home. When I get here... I stay here. I have not spent a dime on bar tabs or fast food in weeks. I actually have a little savings going for the first time in ages...hell, ever. I don't mind spending the money to get to work because I make 80 bucks a day trip pay plus I haven't come home with less than 100 bucks in tips every day. The only downfall is, I have only been working 2 days a week. The boss says it will pick up, so soon I should expect 5 to 6 days a week. That's good money. With 35 weeks left till road trip time you bet I am saving up. My rent is only 400 bucks a month thank goodness. It was only going to be 350 but I moved to the bigger room because I like it more. Way worth it.

In other news, I have gained all my weight back that I lost in Key West. Bummer. I blame it on just not having much to look forward to. As stupid as it sounds, I was skinny because I was trying to keep a guy around who was obviously never in it for the long haul. Not that I was in it for the "long haul" but at least I cared. Then he really made me feel like I wasn't worth the time or the effort that a relationship requires. So. I need to stop thinking like that. I need to concentrate on my summer and on my family visiting me in Feb.

Feeling very bloggie today for some reason. More like writing in my public diary. I don't care though, I have never been a very private person.

Tomorrow I actually have to work, and good news!!! I have a W2 from last year waiting for me! I should have about 800 bucks coming to me when I file! Awesome! Straight to the Capt. License fund! 6 am comes early on the island so I will leave you with a video.... My favorite band... Kings of Leon

Video of the day!!!

Modest Mouse - Dashboard from Jenny Ko on Vimeo.

Another lazy day at the house. The weather was beautiful though. Tomorrow I get to go to work yaaaaaaaaay! So, I better get settled and get to sleep.

Hope you are all well and happy!!!

Rainy day in paradise....

It was a rare, cool, cloudy, rainy day here on island. Looks to be more of the same tomorrow! Makes for good sleeping and napping in the hammock. I plan to do that all day tomorrow. No work.

I made a mexican food feast last night because I was missing home and craving it. It was good. Had it for dinner again tonight and probably the next 3 nights in a row till i can eat it all! I even have a batch of enchiladas in the freezer for a later date.

Will just moved to PUERTO VALLARTA yesterday!!! I am so excited for him! He is living 2 blocks from the beach and the bars and has 10 chickens and 2 donkeys in his yard. He says the donkeys are loud as hell and make him wish for more chickens. He also thinks I should just move there so we can be Will and Grace, or Willimena and Graciela in Mexico. Don't think I'm not tempted.

I have a few leads on some freelance gigs on yachts around here. Hopefully something will come through.

In other news, I finally got to go to the store, the real grocery store, for the first time in like years! I have a real kitchen! I got all sorts of goodies. Lots of morningstar farms veggie meats and fun stuff like, riblets, chicken fingers, spicy black bean burgers, and chicken patties! Some little frozen pizzas, stuff for sandwiches and soups. Of course all the makings for Mexican night, ground beef, taco seasoning, refried beans, cheese, rice and beans, salsa and chips.... too bad no one showed up. yeah... I invited my roommate/not really roommate Shauna and her boyfriend Alex and Jason who work with Lilly, over for dinner but Shauna said this morning that she forgot about it. I tried to text and call her but she didnt answer last night so now i have plenty of leftovers. Sucks. Oh well, Alex is always asking me when I am going to make tacos and Jason is from Ennis, TX so I know he would jump at home cooking so it sucks that she forgot. Whatever. More for me.

On that note, my video of the day. New favorite by Fall Out Boy. Enjoy!

Fall Out Boy - What A Catch, Donnie from Pete Wentz on Vimeo.

Busy week so far!

I have been working at the boat show with Jen on her catamaran called Good Medicine. It's been fun but long long hours! We were cleaning and detailing the boat as well as prepping food for the show. Basically the charter boats sit at Yacht Haven Grand marina and all the brokers from all over the country and caribbean come tour the boats and talk to the crew and gather info for prospective charters. Jen and I made appetizers and cocktails for the events. We even made mini cheesecakes in... you guessed it Dad, MUFFIN TINS! Ha! They are awesome. We made cuban beef skewers with chimichuri sauce and some really cool tomato mozzarella balsamic skewers. I mixed up a big batch of mojitos to round out the theme. Work is slow, so it's a blessing that she needed my help this week! I work on Limnos on Friday and have no idea how I'm gonna get there!

In other news, I am thinking about joining the Coast Cuard Auxilliary here in St Thomas. Now, before you freak out... it's not the reserves or anything like that, it's a volunteer group that dispaches to help the USCG in the event they don't have a boat near by, they also do safety for events like the sailboat races and boat shows, as well as vessel inspections locally. They also teach you all these great life saving and survival skills. We will see...

There is a kitty asleep on my back. It came with the house. Very cuddly.

I love this place. It's so cool and airy and breezy! I have been sleeping very well! I would sleep alot better if I had stable work.

Soon come.

Above are pics of the house.

Moved!

Well, I finally got my stuff moved into the new place but unfortunately the car that my friend was going to rent to me is broken so now I am just stuck up on the north side which is really isolated. Beautiful views but far far away from work or town. Oh and BTW I got my old job at Limnos Charters back for at least a few days a week. I also got an offer to work as a chef on a yacht in the BVI for a week. I need to call Jen today about that. Things will be ok eventually. I know it. I will have to take some pictures of the new house and post them like a tour sometime but I think I will be training with Jen on the new boat so that will have to wait. I am so stressed out.